Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
