hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
