I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
