***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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