don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻‍♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
