I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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