i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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