Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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