You smell like a Billy Joel song
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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