Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
