so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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