Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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