she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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