I swear she didn't look like that last week.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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