Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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