my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
