im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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