just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
He has the fingertips of a God
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