My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
