She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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