I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
