this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
