so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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