When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
