tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
