Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i out mim tonsoeep
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