she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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