Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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