I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
