i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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