You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
