All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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