He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
