Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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