Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
