I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
