dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
