You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
