i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
