I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
