I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
