i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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