How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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