I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
