I accidentally burped into my bong.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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