i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
