Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
