hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
