I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
