I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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