My nipple is on Facebook.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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