We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
