you turned your livingroom into a bong?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
